rambling – Memoirs of a sinner

You think it’s easy
As if there are no feelings here
You think this is what I want
You know what I’d give
To have know you rather than her
Who’s memory lingers like a corpse
Removed from my house but the stench remains
No amount of bleach, paint, renovations
Or anything of the sort removes the odor
My misery is comfortable
It’s safe, I know it well
And yet I feel dead inside

I don’t need to be happy
I just don’t want to feel so empty
Like everything is pointless
Meaningless, mundane
Wake up, eat, sleep
Wash,Rinse, repeat
Today is the same as yesterday
Tomorrow will be too
I feel everything
And then nothing
Running in circles in my head
I feel old and worn out
Like this life is over
Did it ever occur to you
That you deserve better?
That it is in fact nothing that you think?
I feel like a hollow reed
Blown about in the wind
Stuck in one spot
I can’t move, can’t change
Can’t dream or begin again

I am shit
Loathsome and abhorrent
I am the worst of men
Its not than I feel nothing
Or less, but rather far more
Till it clouds Mt thoughts
And actions and dreams
So that I don’t sleep
That I need to medicate
The twilight hours
I stare at the world
Waiting for some meaning
Purpose, a function
It’s too much effort to breathe

I don’t even feel human anymore
I don’t feel like a man
I feel like a great big nothing
In an endless abyss
Looking at the world through a window
I take all the blame
It’s my crime
My doing
You think you’re unlovable
You have it wrong

There’s a certain point you reach
Where you can’t seem to tell what is, what was, and what’s real
All the memories bleed into each other
And your heart is so blackened, it’s not something you can conceal
If the world had a neck, I would choke it
The anger and bile seems to be growing each day
Once there was peace and calm and hope
And now the violence within me won’t go away
I’m not an angry man
But I spent too much time dreaming
And now it all means nothing at all
And I’m standing here in the corner screaming
It’s almost subdued you know?
But I can feel it crawling just under my skin
It’s going to come out, someday, somewhere
And then I’ll understand the state that I’m in
I remember every stupid f*cking detail
Every incarnation of people’s faces
I remember the clothes, the drinks, the music
The stupid damn look on their faces
All the time I thought it was ok
All the time just a pretence of a lying individual
All the words and actions were just nothing at all
And I’m left sucking up the residual
I like words, but not so much anymore
I don’t even know what I’m writing for
I hate everything you know, everyone
Because it just doesn’t make any sense
I’m praying and praying and praying and…
Think you may just get the point
There is no point
I can’t find one, can’t seem to reach the proverbial switch
Is there one? Or is this room just so big and dark I can’t find it?
Am I that dumb? That inextricably stubborn and obtuse
That I can’t accept a simple truth?
I am sick to death of life
Sick to death of the lack of one
I can’t end it, that’s no answer
And there is no place to run
Wherever I go
There I am
Wherever I may be
There no one else is
If someone dared to define life
Maybe there would be a clearer understanding
But all I see is some mundane routine
But at least from where I am standing
Houses and cars and internet and texting
And socializing with friends
Why do I want a sense of normality
When its all just f*cking pretense?
No, I don’t get it, I don’t get this endless pursuit of money
Just lets you be depressed in style
I have a house full of things, and more things
Really is this just some sort of trial?
All the things we try obtain
Biblical truth or interpretation
One simple different idea
And you have a whole new denomination
It’s all interlinked
That’s why I seem to be all over the place
I can’t go in a straight line you see
I go from 10, to 5, to 11, to three
And somehow now I’m here
Wealthy, healthy, although I smoke too much
I could take pills, maybe drugs, wait, therapy
No, none of that can help as such
I want answers! Clear, blatant, un-obscured truth
Not half measures, black and white
You are either in, or out
There is wrong and there is right
Ok ok, half of this isn’t even making sense
Nor does it have much shape or form
I have no idea other than I feel there is no future
And I cannot think what I am doing this for
Maybe it’s just like me
Shapeless and formless in some vacuum, void
I am sorry, I apologize
But understand, I am f*cking annoyed
Yes there is bad language
But it’s a word like any other
You realise I am in fact quite alone
No sister, father or mother?
I don’t want pity, nor do I need it
Just trying to understand why I give a sh*t
Perhaps, it’s just lack of conversation
Maybe it’s all the bullsh*t I was made to believe
Promises that were never kept
And the world turning it’s back on me
No don’t get me wrong
I was never a saint
But I will not pretend again
To be something that I ‘aint
Without love
I have nothing
That much is true
Fill a man with enough malice
And he will have nothing left to lose
And the space will be filled with something
It needs to be
It’s an irrefutable fact
Like physics, gravity
So have all the rules
The world is chaos anyway
It’s a permanent state of entropy
At least that’s how it seems today
I wish someone would prove me wrong
Maybe hit me in the head
Chances are with my luck
I won’t be fixed but I’d end up dead
Now there’s a thought
One that doesn’t fill me with dread
I would gladly look for death
But I’m forced to live instead
Yeah yeah, no one likes negativity
It’s simple really, then don’t listen to me
I’ve apologized for things that were not my fault
I have broken the ideals I cling to
I have lessened my own worth
And abandoned what I once thought was true
I have put others first
And left my own needs to want
But never, ever, f*cking again
I won’t, I promise, I can’t
So take this life from me
For it, I have no use
Either tie me up and throw me away
But I have no power to choose
I can do nothing, I am nothing
I have no freedom nor idea of what to be
I don’t understand anything anymore
And I’m tired of tragedy